*** Note - mention of naughty words below ***
Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It is six days since my last confession...
On the Arnage front there is nothing to report. John at Bowling & Ryan is waiting on a part from Germany - it's a Porsche turbo solenoid which he thinks will fit in place of the uber expensive Bentley part. It'll be an interesting test and if it works will have saved me thick end of around £150. Another interchangeable part identified. If it works. If...
The bushes should be well on the way now to being replaced. Having made the decision to get them done, I fully expect the bush situation to be the equivalent of a shaven crotch; looks good, even though no one looks under there, and should last a good long time before it needs doing again. Sometime this week I hope to have news and will fill you in appropriately (or inappropriately according to Mrs. Simon who thinks my shaven bush reference a little too risque for Bentley company!
In the meantime I am publishing this as a follow on from something similar I wrote several years ago. My investigations (think Penfold from Danger Mouse with the thick lensed glasses AND a magnifying glass) have led me to new information about technology that is in some cars that motor manufacturers keep quiet and which explains the weird behaviour of some drivers of particular makes, out there... Technical Innovation in Cars for Idiots. ©2021
This is a follow on article from a much earlier missive, now with more historical context.
It is true to say that BMW have, for many years, had a technological innovation which negates the need for intelligence in its driver. This is not however, a driverless car, rather it enables the driver to become oblivious to his or her surroundings for the duration of any particular journey so that they can drive safe in the lack of knowledge that they are special, they are chosen, they are BMW Man (sorry Person).
Developed in the 1970s by Prof. Hans Neesunbumpsidasy and updated regularly since then, the “Total Withdrawal of All Thinking” system is an application that successfully removes the drivers intelligence upon starting the engine. This is stored in a computerised memory called an “Identity Device Including Observational Thought”. When the engine is stopped, the intelligence is fed back into the driver and they can resume their normal day to day activities.
This BMW system is not advertised or promoted, but is provided in every vehicle sold, certainly in the UK. The privacy implications in today’s modern society is something that will require some consideration as these system become more and more pervasive.
Following the introduction of this system and the move of its designer to Audi there followed a teaming up of BMWs finest mind with Dr. Reginald Vas Deferens, who readers may remember from Monty Python, was a nuclear scientist in love with MAFIA boss Enriquo Marks (The Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of The Film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Charisma Records, 1975). Deferens and Neesunbumpsidasy worked together to improve the system and develop a device which provided a little more intelligence to be left with the driver as they took to the wheel, albeit not enough intelligence to be fully self-aware.
Audi launched this rival system in 1983 just in time for the renowned Scunthorpe International Motor Show. However, at the last minute, like BMW before them, they decide to keep the device a secret to avoid rational intelligent people going off to buy a Dacia instead.
The Audi system, known as “Complete Unified Negation of Thought” was a roaring success, and enabled the removal of many, now redundant features, such as indicators. It was rumoured that the Audi system was to be called “Complete Obfuscation of Cognitive Knowledge”, but by a freak coincidence this name had already been registered by Volvo, just a week before.
In an interview shortly before his untimely death from stupidity[1] at the age of 80, Prof. Hans Neesunbumsidasy was asked about the rationale behind the introduction of these temporary intelligence removal devices. “I vos in my lab one day, sinking about mein journey to vork und it came to me like a sudden bladder infection. I had to get rid of ze driver intelligence so zat ve could have a vorld in vhich all men und vomen are equal. I must apologise for all mein v’s, zis English language of yours is wery odd.”
This interview created a hoo-hah the like of which had not been seen since the suffragettes, as the statement was wrongly read to imply that in some way men were more intelligent that women. This is plainly not the case, I myself am a man, and if I were more intelligent I wouldn’t be wasting my time writing this crap.
Volvo spent in excess of £75 developing their system “Complete Obfuscation of Cognitive Knowledge” but it was a drain on Volvo resources and the head of their R&D was fired for the mishandling of COCK.
Audi’s “Complete Unified Negation of Thought” system was a success and is in their cars to this day, along with the BMW system. However, we have since found out that both Audi and BMW do have fully functioning indicators. They have been specifically designed to be invisible to the human eye, so as not to detract from the symmetrical styling of these motor vehicles and thereby lose the custom of their typical buyer.
Other features found almost exclusively on BMW and Audi vehicles include, Peril sensitive windscreens which darken when they detect impending danger, this idea was developed by Dr. Sam Sung of Toshiba after reading about Zaphod Beeblebrox’s “Super Joojanta Panchromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses” (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). The development of vanity mirrors “all round” is another exclusive for these companies, ensuring that all mirrors reflect only you, the driver, because you are a winner, and a success and no one else matters.
I have also been reliably informed that “run fat tyres” was a typo in the promotional literature for Goodyear and there is no truth to the rumour that tyres were being reinforced further to compensate for the introduction of the McDonald’s™ Auto-drive, which takes control through the narrow lanes in the local McD’s and does in fact detour to every available outlet including KFC following an agreement between the fast-food giants. Early indications are that the system will be referred to as the “Fully Automated Transport By Augmentation Signals To Avoid Rough Driving”. A system that will revolutionise the drive thru market.
It is also my pleasure to announce exclusively that Ford, Renault, and Mercedes will be putting a new system into their white vans sometime in 2023, specifically to cater for white van man. Called “Will Aid Nutters with Knowledge, Expansion Requirement System”, this will actually improve the IQ of white van drivers slightly to compensate for the already poor standards of driving generally displayed. Dr. Chris P. Bacon of Ford Europe said “it will be nice for us to put something back into the community. You never know we may set the devices to leave intelligence aboard all our van drivers, thereby making not only the roads a better place, but also everywhere else. On the other hand our CEO says that van bumpers are our most profitable after-market line, so maybe not.”
Finally, I can confirm that Rolls Royce and Bentley have both decided to take on the respective systems of their Car Owners, Rolls Royce with T.W.A.T and Bentley with C.U.N.T. However, due to the need for their owners to feel superior to everyone else, the system is to be universally rebranded as “Fast Unconventional Complete Knowledge Excluding Rational Scrutiny” enabling people to remark as one of these fabulous machines passes by; “There goes that beautiful car driven by one of those F.U.C.K.E.R.S”.
So, there you have it, a clarification of the systems used, mainly by Audi and BMW, but with other manufacturers starting to develop systems for the future. The roaring 2020’s looks set for some amazing innovations.
Simogenous Monkrover. Motoring Correspondent.
March 2021.
[1] The professor was listed with an IQ of 492, unfortunately on testing his latest T.W.A.T.S update in the lab, and despite having retired several years before – but he kept turning up - he used the device on himself when the calibration was not completed. This had the effect of reducing his IQ to 25, and the device malfunctioned leaving him in a permanent state of vegetation. By co-incidence he was due to meet Donald Trump that very day, and when he did, he suggested to Trump that he might run for President of the US. Trump, feeling he had at last met his intellectual match took the suggestion seriously. Shortly after, the device was recalibrated and with his intelligence restored Prof. Neesunbumsidasy did the only decent thing he could and he shot himself (I apologise to readers of my original article for getting the 'o' mixed up with an 'i' in that statement, it is of course not possible to die if you shit yourself, that I am aware of).